testing... .1.2.3. testing...

received an envelope in the mail late last week from Sam's school.
figured it was some start of school info.

it was her test results from last year. due to the nature of the program she is in and how this program is part of a study - they do extensive testing of all the students each year. So at this point, at the end of her third year, we have four testing periods to compare. Admission tests, (Sept 04), end of first year (Jul 05), end of second year (Apr 06) and end of third year (Apr 07).

and one would hope that each of the test results/scores would increase (where appropriate).

but with the nature of Sam's challenges, that is not the case.

and every time i see my daughter quantified on paper, it breaks my heart.
i HATE it.

her last test period - Apr 07 - her scores went down - across the board. some of these most recent scores are even lower than her admission test scores.

how can that be?
is she getting worse?
absolutely not.
dammit.

last year she learned how to read and write.
it was one of her very best years at Shelton.
so why the decline in scores?

i have my theories and believe it is a combination of things.
one, with kids like Sam, the scores are really hard to increase b/c they get older each year. when the testing is scored - they have to take into consideration the increasing age of the child. so as she ages, her measurable ability has to exceed her aging. that simply is not going to be the case with Sam.

second, her teacher and slp told me that at the end of last year, sam really dropped off - on effort put forth as well as her ability to attend to her tasks. that she just lost her momentum.

finally - the end of her school year was a horrible time for me personally. emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally. you name it - the first part of this year sucked raw eggs in my life. i fear my angst spilled over into her life.

and it had been an intense year. Sam was learning to read, vastly improving her writing skills, speech drills and we spent several months adjusting her medications to increase her focus during school hours.

i think by the time April and testing came around, she was simply just wore out. and unfortunately her fatigue is reflected in her test scores.

i live with this child. she did not regress last year - not by any stretch of the imagination. she made huge gains. people have told me recently - her doctors, sunday school teachers, friends - that they can understand her so much better lately.

but it just pains me to see it on paper. the declining scores.
i hate the numbers attached to my flesh and blood child.
i hate the words attached to my flesh and blood child.

ADHD
DYSLEXIA
APRAXIA
BIPOLAR DISORDER

i hate them all.
and i want them to leave her the hell alone.

i am reminded of a scene from one of my most favorite movies, Aliens.

at the end of the movie, sigourney weaver's character is defending the young girl from the Queen Alien. She puts on her armour, turns - all hot, pissed, sweaty & maternal - and screams, "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!"

THAT'S exactly how i feel toward this faceless, inanimate enemy.