i hope i'm wrong

i have a new mantra.

i hope i'm wrong

running through my head.
along the same lines of the little engine that could (I think I can.I think I can.)

i hope i'm wrong

my second child, Savvy, concerns me.
her reading skills are not where i think they should be.

i hope i'm wrong

and i notice her compensating.
by this i mean - she 'reads' books by memorizing the words the first time she struggles through it and from then on, uses the pictures as cues to the text.

i hope i'm wrong

which does indicate she is intelligent - but it does not mean she can read.

i hope i'm wrong

so i have requested a literacy evaluation from her public school.
i requested a dyslexia evaluation last year that was never done. (don't get me started)
requested one again this year, in writing.
had my pediatrician give me a referral to Scottish Rite for their dyslexia eval.
Looking into a few other options for testing as well.

i hope i'm wrong

i hope i'm wrong

i hope i'm wrong

sometimes, i am sad...

last night we went to a PTO meeting at savvy's school. she is in first grade and each grade was singing a few songs prior to the meeting. a sure fire way to get the parents to the PTO meetings.

so there was Kindergarten - and they were adorable...

and then first grade - and savvy was the star (who are we kidding? i am her mom. i am biased. end of discussion.)

followed by second grade. still cute kids - doing their thing.

and then hubby leans over and asks - is this Sam's age group?

and i stop to think for a sec. and say no. she would be in third grade if she were mainstreamed (normal).

shelton qualifies her as second grade - which is a GOOD thing - because it gives her at least one extra year there.

but if she were mainstreamed (normal), she would be in the third grade.

and they were up next. the third graders.

and i tried to picture Sam up there. with those pretty little girls and cute little boys. i tried to wrap my mind around the fact that those children are her contemporaries - age wise.

but she is not their peer. not in maturity, speech or ability.

and while i most often try to focus on what she CAN do and what she HAS learned and how much progress she HAS made, every now and then i am reminded of where she SHOULD be.

and sometimes, it makes me sad...

the birds & the bees & the flowers & the trees...

i am preparing myself for The Talk
with my girls.

bought The Book
for The Talk
with my girls.

it's time. they are both curiouser and curiouser.

i just remember when my mom had The Talk with me and we read The Books - it changed EVERYTHING.
i didn't look at two people the same ever again.
ever.
i hate to change their world like that.

but it's time.

my other concern - when my mom had The Talk with me - i promptly went to school and had The Talk with all my classmates. ask anyone i was in third grade with "who told you where babies come from" and they will tell you - without skipping a beat - t_cole. they still tease me about this. i like to remind them that some of them had me tell them twice...

anywho - i have no doubt - no doubt at all that my girls will go to school and do the exact same thing. so i have given both of their teachers a 'heads up.'

i just hope i handle this as well as my mom did. she was awesome. she opened a dialog on sex and never closed it or shied away from it. ever. i could ask her anything. and did. and she answered it. and i think because of the way she handled it - i have a healthier attitude than most about sexuality and my body.

i simply want to do a good job on this. it's a big deal. this is knowledge that will impact the rest of their lives. not just the context of the message delivered, but how the information is shared by me and even the attitude inferred about the imparted information.

so much pressure.
wish me luck!

testing... .1.2.3. testing...

received an envelope in the mail late last week from Sam's school.
figured it was some start of school info.

it was her test results from last year. due to the nature of the program she is in and how this program is part of a study - they do extensive testing of all the students each year. So at this point, at the end of her third year, we have four testing periods to compare. Admission tests, (Sept 04), end of first year (Jul 05), end of second year (Apr 06) and end of third year (Apr 07).

and one would hope that each of the test results/scores would increase (where appropriate).

but with the nature of Sam's challenges, that is not the case.

and every time i see my daughter quantified on paper, it breaks my heart.
i HATE it.

her last test period - Apr 07 - her scores went down - across the board. some of these most recent scores are even lower than her admission test scores.

how can that be?
is she getting worse?
absolutely not.
dammit.

last year she learned how to read and write.
it was one of her very best years at Shelton.
so why the decline in scores?

i have my theories and believe it is a combination of things.
one, with kids like Sam, the scores are really hard to increase b/c they get older each year. when the testing is scored - they have to take into consideration the increasing age of the child. so as she ages, her measurable ability has to exceed her aging. that simply is not going to be the case with Sam.

second, her teacher and slp told me that at the end of last year, sam really dropped off - on effort put forth as well as her ability to attend to her tasks. that she just lost her momentum.

finally - the end of her school year was a horrible time for me personally. emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally. you name it - the first part of this year sucked raw eggs in my life. i fear my angst spilled over into her life.

and it had been an intense year. Sam was learning to read, vastly improving her writing skills, speech drills and we spent several months adjusting her medications to increase her focus during school hours.

i think by the time April and testing came around, she was simply just wore out. and unfortunately her fatigue is reflected in her test scores.

i live with this child. she did not regress last year - not by any stretch of the imagination. she made huge gains. people have told me recently - her doctors, sunday school teachers, friends - that they can understand her so much better lately.

but it just pains me to see it on paper. the declining scores.
i hate the numbers attached to my flesh and blood child.
i hate the words attached to my flesh and blood child.

ADHD
DYSLEXIA
APRAXIA
BIPOLAR DISORDER

i hate them all.
and i want them to leave her the hell alone.

i am reminded of a scene from one of my most favorite movies, Aliens.

at the end of the movie, sigourney weaver's character is defending the young girl from the Queen Alien. She puts on her armour, turns - all hot, pissed, sweaty & maternal - and screams, "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!"

THAT'S exactly how i feel toward this faceless, inanimate enemy.