and therapy for all

had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday.
first time in close to 6 months i have gone in to see him.
and this time only b/c i needed a refill on my Wellbutrin.

so he asks why so long between visits?

and i tell him that i have not had three kids in the house since the end of March.
wow!
April, May, June, July and now August.
one of my three has been out of the house.
and in that time, my need for medication has diminished greatly.

that does not make me feel very good as a mom.

and i tell him this.

i explain that this does not meet my definition of an effective mom.
and i feel like i cannot handle my three kids at the same time.

he asks if this is true - that i can't handle them all at the same time.

and i think about it.

and i respond - no, i can handle them.
just not well.

and he asks me if that's probably not normal, given the dynamics of our family - that most people would find this a challenge.

and i think about it. and i tell him that i'd like to think that most people would find this a challenge.

i want to believe this.

i just keep thinking that i should be doing this so much better than i actually am.

i remember something my realtor told me. and i related her comments to my shrink.

my realtor and i were going through all the tasks required for us to sell a house, move, financing, buy a house, new school for the kids, et al.

she tells me, "t_cole, i hope one day Sam appreciates everything you have done for her."
without thinking, i replied, "i hope she never knows."

i went on to explain to her (and my shrink) that i don't want sam to ever carry that burden - that we changed our whole family life to accommodate her education, doctors and therapy. i don't want her siblings to know either. they may figure it out on their own - but they won't ever hear it from me directly.

i continued by saying this is what parents do when their kids have a need such as Sam's.
you simply do whatever it takes to provide appropriate care/education/therapy for your child. period.

my shrink tells me he wishes more parents thought like this - that he wouldn't have so many kids as patients.

that's nice to hear.

but i tell him - "make no mistake, my kids will very likely end up in therapy before it's all said and done."

we agree the predicted therapy will be due to the dynamics of our family and not due to lack of parenting...

but still, i question, constantly, my parenting abilities. and i will continue to wonder if it is my parenting or just the nature of our family that will send all three of my kids screaming into a therapist's office one day.